nonpareil

fall is here. i smell its onslaught in this humid air. and with the cooling down of the weather comes the flames of heartaches, sleepless nights and the desire to be in someone's arms. it's hard to take on such a reality when the one you want can not come out of their shell. i go through the motions---walking on air, fire beneath my feet, heart palpitations, clumsy hands. the longing, the pining, the words which go unspoken, the looks from across the room. the wonder that comes with each sighting. screaming "it's not fair!", whispering in his ear, laughing. wondering if it's real, if the potential i see is actually there. and when people say it can not be, it makes me want it even more. i want to turn the tables in our favor and swim against the tide together. i hope for real love in this loveless city. i want to find a sliver of integrity within the dregs of this deceit..

let's be real

the past four days i've had off from work has afforded me the opportunity to completely assess why i was leaving Boston for New York.  my friends and acquaintances offered up their views on why one city was better than the other. most favored to move--at least with respect to who I am.  some people that i worked with gave me puzzled looks, asked me "why are you moving from Boston?", as though it were heaven on Earth.  Often, I wanted to answer, "Because Boston sucks!", but my response was usually, "Because I want to" or "It's time to move on".

i don't regret living in Boston at all.  it helped me to realize the experience i want to have from living in a major city.  i made some good friends and had a lot of good times. those are things which i can not forget.  however, not being a student in Boston and not having a car decreased my ability to experience the diversity that i know is present there.  a week ago--thanks to my co-worker Lisa, I saw Chinatown in Boston at night for the first time. We were out until almost four in the morning.  Prior to that I didn't think it was possible to be out anywhere in Boston past 2am.  It made me wonder what other hidden gems, like the Peach Tree existed in Boston.  All these culturally diverse experiences exist, but they are tucked away in little neighborhoods and back alleys. I felt like I got short changed in Boston.

let's be real, New York City is the type of place that people dream about.  Whether you're living in East Bumblefuck, USA--or somewhere outside of the states, you can only hope that you make it to NYC before you expire.  Sure, it's not a place everyone wants to live in, but it is a place where you can always find something to do.  It is a place where you don't have to seek out diversity. It will find you.  You step off the subway and all you see is different little shops each run by someone who has come to NY from somewhere else.  It is a place that anyone can come to, regardless of where they are from around the world, and come to know it as home and now it's mine too.  

cucumber

looking into your eyes.

i feel trapped in a web,

vulnerable to your advances.

so i look towards the floor

or wear sunglasses.

the flesh of your neck so nice

the last time we said goodbye.

your hands on my face.

a dream? a lie?

breakfast, waking up

next to each other, when?

i'll believe you until it doesn't happen.

playing it cool aint easy, but tomorrow i'm gonna try.

i want it to work out in my favor this time tomorrow.

is that too much to ask?

could be my treat

duck boots quacking, i stumbled home in the rain. my mind flashes back to moments before: dancing against a wall, pressing our mouths together,running down the street hand in hand.

wrapped in a gray sweater, umbrella exploded, my skin is cold, but my lips are still warm, my tongue is still hot with the taste of your breath.

days pass. was it a dream or a dream come true? your skin, tight as a drum under my touch never felt so fantastic.

time is short and moments such as these are few.

***

timing. it seems that it's never in our control when/how things come to be. when you're not thinking about something, it happens. when you're about to make moves you reach an obstacle. or sometimes you make yourself wait only to miss the moment completely. so i say to timing, "get tossed!". carpe diem everyday, today, while you read this post. if the ambition exists, that's the time to do it. i think that we can have it all, we just gotta reach out and grab it.

deal with it!

my problem is that i can't read people. if someone is old, i think that they're young. if someone is straight, i think that they're gay. if someone is cool, i soon find out that they are not. so it goes with me. i'm a bad judge of character. it would be beneficial to me if it were the other way, but so it goes and i can't trust nobody. not alone, not without another person's validation ,i can use my discretion when it comes to work, but when it comes to people, especially inviting people into my life; i'm unreliable.

you think that you know someone!

you think to yourself: "this person is very attractive to me in one way or the other..." and you don't know how to direct your feelings. part of you wants to kiss them on the mouth and just gratify oneself in that alone. another part of you wants to hold that person in your arms while they divulge every intimate detail of their life to you. ...

great migration

i slept so hard this past night that i can't remember my

dreams. upon waking I soon remembered what had been

holding my attention prior to my slumbers: flight.

leaving, escape, change all things which i think about

more often than not. how to get out from under, how to

get out from under the spell of complacency, comfortability,

normalcy. with each move i feel the grip of routine loosening

and so if that's what i truly want, i think that my feet are

heading in the right direction again.

i hit a bump in the road two weeks ago. i hit a wall with my

cell phone too. now that the swelling of my heart has subsided,

i'm seeing more clearly and starting again to feel that

there is a place for me out there. having arms to be held in

are nice, but it's more important that i hold it together on my

own. that's not something that can be seen easily when you're

in a lover's fog. in trying to be honest with the man that

i was seeing, i began lying to myself in an effort to "make it work".

no one could have told me one way or the other what to do,

i wouldn't have listened. i would have felt emboldened to continue,

to make the relationship a success to all who saw it,

but the internal temperature of it all was quickly sinking.

so, here i stand today, in an open field of possibilities,

just as i did on the hill in this picture last summer.

i'm ready to move, i'm all the more ready to move on

from all of this without feeling like a sad sap.